Season: Season 1-8
Rating: R (for graphic violence)
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to the CW and the Creators of Smallville.
Couples: Chloe/Bart…Chloe/Oliver (friendship) Dinah/Oliver
Edited By: dh1031
Requested By: Stella
I took a deep breath and glanced at the small, blue, leather encased book in front of me. The apartment was quiet. The clock ticked, minutes passing by as I stared down, hands posed to open the book. It’s been a year. One year today and sometimes, it still feels like just yesterday.
Don’t get me wrong, most days are good, and I rarely if ever get to the point where I can’t leave the house, which is just further proof of the progress I’ve made. But today…today is the day it happened. My hand brushed over the book as I swallowed hard.
If I open this book…I’ll be reliving the whole nightmare all over again…but according to the doctor in order to put everything behind me and take the final step in moving past this…I need to revisit it. I need to take everything I’ve written down this past year in this journal, open it up, and relive it.
She said part of completing the program is being able to accept what happened, not pretending it didn’t. It’s the last step in completing my therapy sessions.
“I can do this…”
I unsnapped the book slowly and opened it to the first page. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath before opening them and reading the first sentence on the first page.
I hate Clark for not coming to my rescue like always…I hate Bart for not protecting me and for looking at me with pity in his eyes…I hate Oliver and Dinah for treating me like a child…but most of all…I hate myself for letting this happen to me…
I felt myself drifting back to the night that brought those emotions to me when I wrote in the journal that first day…
I opened the door and walked into the darkened apartment. I shut the door quietly behind me and turned to the only bright spot I could find, the kitchen. I watched as Dinah gently placed the tea kettle on the stove and Oliver rubbed her shoulders lightly.
I swallowed hard and walked through the living room until I got to the kitchen doorway. Oliver must have heard me, because he turned in my direction. He nodded in my direction. My fists were clenched at my sides.
“Where is she?”
Dinah motioned to the closed door at the end of the hallway.
“She’s in her room.”
I nodded and took a step back. Before I could turn in the direction of the door, Dinah’s voice stopped me in my tracks.
“If he finds out you’re here Clark…he won’t be happy.”
I looked up and Dinah took a step back at the pain and hatred she saw in my eyes. Oliver swallowed hard, put an arm around Dinah, and gave me a sympathetic look.
“Clark…it wasn’t your fault. No one can ask you to be everywhere at once…it’s impossible. Even for you.”
I clenched my jaw.
“In all the years I’ve known Chloe…I’ve never ignored her call before…never…”
Dinah shook her head.
“You didn’t ignore her call Clark. I was there…so was Victor.”
“There was a little girl in front of you about to be crushed by an 18-wheeler…were you just supposed to let her die? She’s an innocent…”
Anger boiled inside of me and my voice came out loud and slick with self-loathing.
“And Chloe’s not? She didn’t deserve this?”
Oliver took a step toward me.
“No one is saying she did. All we’re saying is…bad things happen to good people…it happened…we can’t change it, but it wasn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself…Chloe needs all of us right now…”
“Chloe needed me when she was cornered in a dirty ally in Suicide Slums by two thugs…”
I shook my head and let the anger deflate for a moment.
“Where is he?”
Dinah looked at Oliver and then back at me before speaking.
I nodded, turned in the direction of Chloe’s room and walked toward it. He’s patrolling…looking for the men who did this to Chloe…I did the same thing for a while, but when I realized my anger was controlling me I quickly made my way back to Chloe’s apartment.
I was afraid…afraid if I found them that I’d rip them limb from limb…and then I’d be no different from the thugs who did this. There needs to be a line…or what’s the point of good and evil…what’s the point of right and wrong if you can no long tell the difference?
I’ve acquired many skills in the years since my parents died. One of those skills is the ability to contain the ugly emotions that course through me. It’s a skill that doesn’t always work, but is top notch when it actually counts. The blood in my veins is boiling.
I don’t think I’ve ever been as angry as I am right now, and yet, I can feel myself calmly stroking Dinah’s arm, telling her everything is going to be okay…we’ll get through this. The truth is…I’m not sure we can. I’m not sure Chloe can.
My jaw tensed, I tightened my hold on Dinah as she laid her head on my chest, and I closed my eyes tightly.
I chuckled as Dinah grinned playfully. Right as she straddled me, the door burst open and off the hinges. Dinah and I were up in seconds ready to attack whatever made its way into Headquarters. The color drained from my face when I saw who was standing there.
I looked in Clark’s arms and I felt bile rise in my throat. Dinah gasped beside me and held onto my arm. Huddled in Clark’s arms, unconscious, was Chloe. Blood ran down her face and legs. Her clothes were torn and bruises were starting to form on her arms.
I looked up at Clark’s face and there were tears in his eyes. I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t form words. Dinah spoke.
My eyes shot open. That’s not a memory I want to keep and yet it’s one that will never leave my mind. It’s permanently etched there. I let go of Dinah, moved back, and leaned against the counter. She wiped the tears from her eyes before talking in a low voice.
“How are we going to help her get through this Ollie…how?”
I shook my head.
“I don’t know.”
She slammed the mug down on the counter and I winced at the noise it made in the quiet apartment.
“Dammit Oliver! You’re supposed to know! You’re supposed to help! Why aren’t you doing anything?”
I let her yell at me for a couple of minutes. It’s been brewing since we brought Chloe home. Dinah isn’t used to being helpless…and right now that’s what she was. It’s what we all were. We go around protecting Metropolis and the rest of the world from bad things…
When we can’t even protect those we care about most. Her tirade broke off with a sob and I focused my attention back on her when she covered her mouth and leaned against the counter across from me. We stood there quietly as she calmed down.
She took one last breath before speaking. Her voice came out hoarse and I could hear the pain in it.
“Don’t be sorry. It’s hard not being able to make it better.”
“She’s my best friend…I just want her to be okay again.”
The kettle let out a loud wail breaking the silence. Dinah turned and finished making the tea. My head snapped up toward Chloe’s room at the loud voice coming from that direction…
I could feel the tears leaking out of my eyes and onto the pillow, but I didn’t care. Nothing mattered. I pulled my legs up even closer into my stomach and winced. Pain…that’s all I could feel. Everything else was numb. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes.
The knife slid down my neck and sliced at the buttons on my top. He grinned and all I could see were crusty yellow teeth. His warm breath hit my neck as he pressed his face against it. I cringed, and attempted to shove him.
The guy next to us let out a loud laugh as his hand grasped my thigh tightly. I felt the last button pop open as the knife slid lower. I could feel hands working my skirt up and I let out a loud cry.
“GET OFF! CLA…”
My words were cut short by a hard slap to the face. I felt the side of my head hit the brick wall from the force of his hit and it took a couple of seconds for me to get my head clear. By that time I could feel the knife against my inner thigh.
I felt tears prickle at my eyes as he sliced the side of my panties catching my leg in the process. I felt the stab of pain as blood leaked from the cut. I heard the sound of a zipper and I struggled harder, which earned me a few more slaps.
I took a deep breath and screamed as loud as I could.
I felt the cold steel against my neck as he made a shallow cut. I felt hands lifting my leg and I squeezed my eyes shut tightly….Clark will be here any second…he’ll get rid of these guys and everything will be okay…but her never came…
My eyes shot open as I heard the bedroom door open. I pulled my body further in as a sliver of light hit me from outside the room. I watched as Clark made is way inside the room. He stood there quietly for a few minutes before speaking.
I didn’t acknowledge him and he moved closer. I felt his hand touch my arm and I jerked away from him. He froze.
“Get away from me.”
I saw his body tense.
I cut him off.
“Don’t Chloe me. I don’t want to see you.”
He stood there and I sat up against the head board with my knees pulled up, arms wrapped around them as I looked at him with anger in my eyes. He shook his head and I could see the pain on his face as he tried to speak.
“I’m…I’m so…so sorry…I didn’t…”
I shook my head.
“Sorry? SORRY? Sorry doesn’t make it go away…sorry doesn’t fix it.”
My voice lowered and I could feel the tears coursing down my face again.
“Where were you Clark? I called you…I pleaded…why did you leave me there? Why didn’t you save me?”
I watched a loan tear slide down his cheek as he opened his mouth, but before he could say anything there was a breeze in the room and Clark flew into the wall on the other side of the room with a loud crash. Oliver and Dinah came running into the room.
“What’s going on?”
Oliver looked around the room and that’s when I saw Bart standing in front of Clark glaring at him. His voice came out harsh when he spoke.
“You’re not welcome here Clark.”
“Get the fuck out…”
I watched Clark’s jaw clench as he moved away from the dent in the wall.
“You have no right…”
“The hell I don’t! You didn’t go to her…”
“Neither did you!”
Bart snorted and shook his head.
“It’s different…I would have been there if I had your abilities…”
I could feel my chest constrict as I pulled my legs tighter against me. I closed my eyes…I can’t handle this…
I watched as Clark and Bart screamed at each other in the small room. I glanced over at Chloe and saw her curled up; eyes squeezed shut, shaking lightly. I shook my head and yelled into the room.
They looked up at me and I glared at them.
“Look at what you’re doing.”
I motioned to Chloe and the anger left them immediately. Bart looked pained and Clark looked ashamed. I spoke in a low voice.
“Do you really think this is what she needs right now? The two of you screaming at each other? What happened…happened. It’s no one’s fault. We can’t change it. All we can do is be here for her and try to help.”
The room was silent save for a few whimpers coming from Chloe’s direction. I winced when I looked back toward her. I’ve known Chloe for a few years now and I’ve never met anyone like her. She is one of the strongest people I’ve ever known…and seeing her like this…
I didn’t think there was anything that could shatter her spirit, but now…I’m afraid I might have been wrong…
I shook my head and looked at Clark and then Oliver.
“Oliver’s right. Clark…I think you should go…you to Oliver. Thanks for staying while I was out.”
He nodded and I saw Dinah in the doorway with a mug. I raised an eyebrow and she cleared her throat.
“I made Chloe some tea.”
“I’ll walk you guys out.”
I watched as Dinah made her way into the room and coaxed Chloe into a relaxed position before handing her the tea. Once I was sure they were fine I motioned to the guys and we walked out of the room. Oliver grabbed his things on the way to the door.
“Did you find them?”
My jaw clenched and I nodded.
Clark’s voice broke the silence.
“What’d you do with them?”
I swallowed and tried to contain my glare as I spoke to him. It’s not his fault Bart…you know deep down it’s not…just breathe…
“What do you think I did? I turned them over to the police. All I wanted to do was kill them for what they did…but…even with everything Chloe’s been through…I knew she wouldn’t want that…she wouldn’t want me killing people…it’s not who we are.”
They nodded and Dinah made her way over to us.
“I think she’s finally settled down.”
“Thanks Dinah. I really appreciate everything.”
They nodded and Oliver spoke in a low voice.
“Call us if you need anything.”
I held the door open as they walked out. When they were gone I shut the door, and locked it. I leaned against it, ran a hand through my hair, and sighed. I walked back to Chloe’s room. When I made it inside and shut the door behind me she jumped.
I swallowed and spoke in a calm voice.
“It’s just me Chlo.”
She nodded and I made my way to the bed and sat down slowly next to her. The room was quiet and I wasn’t quite sure what to say. I mean what can you really say in a situation like this…I couldn’t possibly imagine what she was going through…
Being violated…like she was…it’s one of the worst things that can happen to someone…I cleared my throat and spoke softly.
“Do you want to talk…about…what happened?”
She shook her head quickly.
“Okay…we don’t have to. Do you need anything?”
She shook her head again. I feel so helpless…and guilty…hear I am blaming Clark for not getting to Chloe in time when in reality I’m just pissed that I wasn’t there, that I let this happen to her. I love Chloe…I’m supposed to protect her…
I failed. I failed and she almost died. I was pulled from my thoughts by her voice. It was barely audible, but I heard it.
I turned to face her.
“Yeah baby…I’m here…what’s wrong?”
I could see tears building in her eyes.
“Hold me…can you…just…everything hurts…just hold me…please…”
By the time she finished her sentence she was whispering. I moved my body so I was lying down. She flinched slightly when I pulled her gently to me. I rubbed her back gently and her whole body was tense.
“I know…just don’t leave again…okay?”
I nodded as I brushed her hair away from her face.
“Never…I love you Chloe…I’m…I’m so sorry…”
My voice choked up and she shook her head.
“Don’t…I just want to lay here…”
I nodded and held her. If this is the only thing I can do for her, I’d do it forever…
I could feel Bart lightly rubbing my back and after a few minutes my muscles were uncoiling. I closed my eyes and I saw them again.
The hand lifting my leg tightened and the other guy came over and cupped my breast in harsh grip. I bit my tongue to keep from crying out.
“Look at the bitch…I think she likes it rough…”
I could feel the first guy against my thigh and again I struggled, but all it did was make guy number two paw at me harder. I felt a finger against me and as he shoved himself inside of me I squeezed my eyes shut. Silent tears coursed down my checks as he slammed into me over and over again.
After a few minutes he pulled out of me, twirled me around, and slammed me against the brick wall. I felt my face and chest getting scraped against the brick as he plunged back into me from behind. I let out a few whimpers before biting my lip.
I heard laughing and grunting and I tried to focus on anything, but what was happening. I felt warm liquid land, spurt after spurt, on my thighs before another set of hands was on me yanking my hair and slamming into me against the wall.
“I’m gonna enjoy this bitch…”
He spread me and slammed into me as hard as he could.
My eyes popped open and I jumped startling Bart. He gave me a worried look.
He shook his head.
“Don’t apologize. It’s okay…when you’re ready to talk, I’m here.”
I took a deep shuttering breath before speaking.
“What if I’m never ready? What if I can’t ever get past this? How can you still love me after everything?”
My eyes teared up for about the fifth time and I looked away from him. I felt him gently lift my chin so I was looking into his eyes. There was a frown on his face as he spoke.
“Chloe…we will get past this…it just…takes time. And this…this wasn’t your fault…I will always love you and these bastards can’t change that. We’ll get through this the same way we get through everything…with each other and with our friends.”
I flipped the page and I saw a drop land on it smearing the writing. I wiped my eyes and sighed. I remember that night…Bart had looked so earnest. It wasn’t easy…and it took a lot of work…it still does, but Bart kept his promise.
We are slowly, but surely getting through this. Three months ago Bart proposed and I said yes. One month ago I had sex with Bart for the first time since I was raped. He was so patient with me…and gave me all the room I needed to feel comfortable…
He’s an amazing man…I wouldn’t have gotten through this past year if it wasn’t for him…and our friends. After I started going to therapy I apologized to Clark and he stood by me along with Oliver and Dinah. I don’t think a person could have better friends then I do.
The click of the lock and the door opening brought me out of my thoughts. I looked up and Bart was making his way into the apartment with a pizza pie. He grinned in my direction.
“Hey there Chloelicious, how’s my favorite fiancée?”
I chuckled lightly.
“I better be your only fiancée hot shot.”
He laughed and placed the pizza on the table as he leaned down and gave me a light kiss. He looked down at my hands and noticed the book. He met my eyes and raised an eyebrow.
“You started without me?”
“I thought I’d get the first part out of the way.”
He nodded. We got plates, drinks, and sat down to eat. Bart went and sat by the couch and I smiled.
“Thanks…for being here while I do this.”
He looked up and gave me a warm smile.
“I’ll always be here Chlo…I told you that we’d get through this together…and I always keep my promises.”
I looked back toward the book and glanced at the page. In life, sometimes bad things happen to good people…no one knows why…and most times it’s difficult to come back from…one year ago today my life was shattered…
My world crashed down around me…one year ago today I was broken…but today I’m not…I will never be the person I was before this happened…but I was able to take the broken pieces and put them back together into something stronger…
With the help of Bart and my friends I was able to take back my life and be in control of my own destiny. That night, those men took something from me…something I can never get back…but they would not take my life…they won’t control me…
I’ll never forget what happened…it will forever lie inside of me…but I can move past it…I can open myself up again to the people I love…because the thing about shattered pieces is…as hard as you try…you can never completely brake the shards.
You might be able to brake off a piece here or there, but there will always be one solid piece left…an unbreakable piece…and that piece is me…and as long as I still have that…I’ll be okay, because believe it or not…we’re stronger than we think we are…